There is an ethereal awakening happening to me.

I am enveloped again in wariness.

I cannot comprehend certain things.

It's fine, I'm used to it.

It's way of life- living in confusion and fear.

I will break free of this, one way or another.

---

I realized that I am prone to sliding into depression lately.

Maybe all the jazz of rehab is gone.

Turns out I may be back to my old self.

I guess the difference now is, I am fighting the urge to hurt myself.

I am fighting for myself.

Bacause I promised that I will never throw myself away again...

Not anymore.

---

Jogged again and did Tae Bo...

I'm beginning to love that workout. Makes me sweat a lot, and gives me self-confidence.

I guess exercise IS good for you.

(How funny that every goddamn thing in the world screams for us all to exercise, but I only internalized it now.)

I'm looking for an advanced type of Tae Bo. I suspect I will get bored with the Tae Bo we have now because it's so basic.

My friend texted and said I look like Katherine Heigl.

Hello?!

I'm not even the dirt underneath her fingernails. Haha.

I now consider myself lucky for having J in my life.

He's really the most caring and loving human being I have ever met, seriously.

But I just can't love him because I don't want to hurt such a kind heart.

I remember when we had a retreat at Tagaytay and of course me and my friend smuggled alocohol and pursued a drinking session in which I got horridly drunk.

In short, J cleaned up my puke, cleaned me up and I slept in his room.

The next morning, I was a spectacle to all the other guys in my class because I was sleeping in his room. But, because he IS J, they didn't suspect that we slept together. Apparently, they all stared at me from the door in the room.

He is like that- nice to have around, but I can't imagine sleeping with him.

For God's sake, he's a virgin and I don't want to have to teach him.

----

Last night, me and my sister walked around the block ten times, talking about everything and nothing at all. It was refreshing. I could tell her anything and it would all be fine. Just fine.

I am lucky to have such an understanding little sister (or little brother, actually).

---

I am lucky to have one of the greatest doctors I know- my psychiatrist, Dr. LB.

He really made me better, by some mysterious, unknown way.

I am now stable on 10mg Abilify, 2mg Akineton, 150mg Lamictal and 100mg Seroquel (prn).

---

And here's a secret: I do fall haphazardly towards an unnameable center to which I cling.

I am stupid like that.

For a long time, their typical description of me was "cold, detached and pretty."

Now, I'm a conversationalist with a zest for life.

How lucky I am to have changed so much.

"What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?"

----

Had a pretty packed weekend, meeting up with friends and going to a party.

I met my best friend from college, C, at Greenbelt and we had dinner at Madison.

The best lamb shank I have ever tasted. Really meat falling off the bones. Yum.

I plan to bring my sister there, as she's a real gourmet lover.

---

On Sunday, my aunts and cousins will be coming over for a grill party here at home.

They're also bringing beer and vodka.

Oh, how I love my relatives on the father side. They're so carefree and all.

J is coming too, and sleeping over here in our house (not beside me ha).

---

I'm okay.

I'm not trapped anymore in a world where if no guy pursues me, then I feel worthless.

I don't anymore. Not at all.

In fact, I don't give a damn if I stay single for a long time.

(ie I don't need to have sex for a long period of time too.)

---

Jogged today, then did Tae Bo.

I suspect that my muscles will ache tomorrow- but I love that feeling anyhow.

and so i was stalking people on facebook when i decided to check out on my friend's pictures

he was happy.

i was glad. really glad.

and then i thought of something

"imagine if i was in her shoes."

then again i told myself, I WAS HAPPY AND CONTENT.
After all it was me whose at fault, for the most part anyhows.

Then I looked at another person's facebook.
and he's back with his old girlfriend. Then again flashbacked the days he used to crash at my house around 1 am to vent over everything, every anger, frustration, and even cold statements he could think of. I used to not even approve of whatever he's telling me. Now, he would simply talk about how he's succeeding in life (both academically and emotionally)

Funny, theyre all moving on life. i just thought it was a big relief, for all of us. i hope. Then I again question myself, when he's slowly moving, and the other he is improving, where in the world am i heading to?
I miss them though, but as the cliche goes..

we just have to move on life.

Had a great night last night, meeting up with friends.

It was 2 AM when K was walking me home, talking about absolutely anything under the sun (or moon).

At Starbucks, I saw U's sister, and she said I should eat more because I lost some weight again.

I do not believe her.

I will perpetually be the fat girl, no matter what anybody says.

----

Somtimes, I get so tired of the way people interact with me.

There's always something they're not saying.

After bottle after bottle of beer, we come to the same conclusion: P.

It's his face that I see flashing before my eyes.

It's his scent that lingers in the forgotten refuge of my senses.

It's his laugh that brightens up my rigid heart.

Oh, Peter, what is it with you?

Why can't I ever let you go?

I should've said what I wanted to say years ago: I love you.

Fuck these reflexes. Fuck these habits.

I hate myself for making you a reflex; for making sure that every turn of my tortuous mind means you. And only you.

the problem, lately, is that my patience can hardly take him. i can't handle the jealousy well. it's not voluntary, you know, and as much as i don't want to be bothered by that feeling, i can't, cos it's there. im thinking, i want to break up with him cos i don't want to hurt him and i don't want his actions to hurt me too. also, the problem with him is he likes attention so much. when we're with a group of people, he only notices me when nobody else does. now how cool is that? this sucks.